What is a Father to me?

Since I'll be in the USA on Fathers' Day this year, I will write an advanced post on this today. So, as the title suggests, I am wondering what are the responsibilities of a Father in people's eyes and what are the things that I saw through my own eyes, felt with my own heart and heard through my own ears. 

If you know me well enough, I would have told you that I do not have a Father or that he disappeared or that he left us, blah blah blah. All sorts of reasons that you rarely hear from a normal person. They would probably tell you that her Father works as an accountant, civil servant, maybe divorced but still in contact etc etc. Rarely would you hear my case. At least people around me are always shocked to hear what I say about my Father. To me, Dad, Daddy, Father, Papa are very unfamiliar words. I haven't been using these nouns since 8. Yes, they are just NOUNS to me. 

So, what do you think are the responsibilities of a father? I would like to share my 2 cents' worth by sharing with you a fatherhood public perception survey conducted by MCYS back in 2009.

Definition of a Father’s Roles and Responsibilities	(% who cite this response)
Be a breadwinner	46%
Provide emotional care/support and give love/affection to children and family	36%
Assist in child‟s learning and education	18%
Serve as a role model for child	18%
Provide moral/spiritual guidance	17%
Look after child‟s day-to-day needs	11%
Provide discipline to child	10%
Be responsible towards and take care of family	9%
Support, love and be loyal to mother of child	6%
Be involved in general upbringing of child	3%
Play and engage in recreational activities with child	3%
Be leader/ „man‟/ decision maker of household	2%
Provide protection/ safety/ security	1%
Be familiar with child‟s friends and social life	1%
Others	4%

Base: n=2,220

Question: When you think about a father’s roles and responsibilities, what comes to your mind? (Free response, up to three responses accepted)

By using this survey result, I will breakdown to you how irresponsible my own father is. 

***Disclaimer*** If you're uncomfortable with people shaming their own Father, please click on the top right corner's button. Thank you. 

1. Be a breadwinner

Firstly, what is a breadwinner? A breadwinner is someone supporting the family with his or her earnings. To me, the sole breadwinner of this Family is my Mom and my Family is only made up of 3 people i.e. Mom, Sis and I. 

I shall not deny the facts that he did support me until I was 8, paid alimony a few times, declared bankrupt and stopped supporting my sis and I, continue paying a minimal sum using his CPF for this house. BUT, other than all these, I did not get anything from him before. How sad is that? What kind of father is this? You tell me. Furthermore, I think if he could get away with not paying for the house, he wouldn't. 

He hasn't contacted my sis and I since 1998 or 1999, I can't remember exactly when. He only contacted my mother but refuse to reveal where he stays. Also, I do not think my mom has the contacts or capabilities to find him. I secretly think that there is someone within my paternal family who can but I don't think they would help me. So much for blood thicker than water. He taught me this statement but hearing this now only makes my blood boils.

So basically, what triggered this post is because he contacted my mother again. For what? TO SELL THE FREAKING HOUSE! Then where am I going to stay?Where is my sister going to stay? My mother's CPF does not even have 10k, how to buy a house when the prices of houses are so high now? You can say that HDB would let us rent a house, but the price would be even higher than the installments that we are paying now! I'm about to graduate from NUS and the interests for the tuitions fees that I've loaned from OCBC will kick in once I graduate. I know there are people who are paying it themselves as well but that's not the point. At least they have a place to stay, a father who loves them and wouldn't try all his means to kick his daughters out of the house to stay on the streets. 

My other friends who are smarter are on scholarships and the more fortunate ones are on FMS aka Father-Mother Scholarship. Me? I'm on XINER Scholarship. What does it mean? I am not smart enough to get a proper scholarship and I have no Father so FMS is also gone. I have to sacrifice my study time to work part-time to support for myself so that I can lighten the load for my Mom. After so many years of looking after us, she could finally afford for a trip to Japan on her own last year. So many years had she slogged her life for us because of one irresponsible idiot. 

2. Provide emotional care/support and give love/affection to children and family

To me, the above sentence is BULLSHIT! What emotional care? What Love/Affection? Let me give you examples of emotional care that I experienced since young from him. He scolds my Mom in front of us. He is violent. He brought us to stay at his mistress's place. Seriously, I was only 3/4 for goodness sake. I have not even understand fully what is the meaning of a family and he brought us to stay with another woman who has her own children. I remember asking myself questions like:

Why is Daddy sleeping another woman? 

Why is Daddy Mommy not together?

I was only 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I had to go through with this kind of mental turmoil. Seriously? 

I had my own house to stay in but I had to sleep in someone's living room. What more? That vixen's children had to act as ghost and scare my sister and I in the middle of the night everyday. And he did not even try to stop it. What kind of emotional care/support is this? FUCK! 

Love and affection is another total CRAP thing. Where is the love? I don't know. 

When I was young, I wasn't able to write any composition about my father, titles like 我的爸爸 is a question that I definitely 100% would not choose. I have nothing, absolutely zero to write about. But come to think of it, I'm writing so much now. 

3. Assist in child's learning and education

Need I say more? He wasn't even around physically. How is he ever going to do that? Telepathy?

My achievements are all by myself and my mother's hard-earned and beg/borrowed money to send me to some tuitions that she could afford. 

All that he had ever taught me is to be unfaithful, irresponsible, unfilial, total zero integrity and be a fucked up person.

4. Serve as a role model for child  

Like I mentioned in #3, failed role model. Let's give you another example, when I was at the mistress's house when I was 3/4, I picked up some hokkien vulgarities like CCB, LJ and whatsoever. And so, I said CCB in front of him and he was shocked. I was caned really badly. At the end of the day, he asked me where I learnt that word from? Guess what I replied? 

YOU

What is this mann?! Massive FAILURE!!!! Why don't you cane yourself now?!?! I would like to emphasise again

All that he had ever taught me is to be unfaithful, irresponsible, unfilial, total zero integrity and be a fucked up person.

5. Provide moral/spiritual guidance

He does not even have morals himself, how can he provide me with guidance? Puiiiiiiii

6. Look after child's day-to-day needs

He's not even around on a decade-to-decade, year-to-year, month-to-month, day-to-day basis, how can he provide and look after my day-to-day needs? 

He only provided my day-to-day, month-to-month, year-to-year and decade-to-decade miseries, depression, hatred, loneliness, enviousness etc.

7. Provide discipline to child

All I ever remember was that he caned me because I couldn't finish my 习字 and did not get full marks for my spelling tests. Guess when? When I was in K1/K2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Up till now, my blood is boiling and I can feel it bursting out of my blood vessels already!!!!!!!!!!

8. Be responsible towards and take care of family

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

9. Support, love and be loyal to mother of child

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

10. Be involved in general upbringing of child

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

11. Play and engage in recreational activities of child

Only up till age of 8, after that it's all

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

12. Be leader/ "man"/ decision maker of household

Come on, he's screwing everything he can in my life. I'm here on this Earth just so he can ruin my life. Leader? "Man"? Decision maker? 

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

13. Provide protection/safety/security

Seriously? Honestly? 

I feel safer, more protected and secured without him!

14. Be familiar with child's friends and social life

He's not even familiar with me. 

BULLSHIT/CRAP/SHIT

And for the record, this USA trip is paid by myself, using my hard-earned money and also some support from Raymond's Father. See, even my boyfriend's father is better to me, dotes on me more and being a father to me. What is he? 

I read this on another blog:

President Obama of U.S.A. says that any fool can become a father but being a real father means owning up responsibilities and "being there". I agree with him. A father's role in the child's development is significant. And it is more than just giving time to the child by being present when the child is growing up.

He could not even fulfil the simplest task of bring there. So tell me, is he a good father? Sorry, I correct myself, is he even considered a father?

Also from the same blog:

The child is consciously and sub-consciously watching the father's actions and learning from it. If the father is calm and cool, so the child shall be. If the father is temperamental, the child thinks that this is normal behaviour and picks up cues from him. In rare cases, the child may reject negative behaviour and behave in a positive manner.

Now you know where I get my temper from. 

Another very apt paragraph by the author of the blog which I think is what a father really should be:

 He is the first teacher to the child, after the mother, who gives the child the sense of values. He is the one who encourages good behaviour and prevents bad behaviour from becoming a habit. He constantly demonstrates to the child how to live life and how to face situations that life throws at us. He is ever watchful of the child and her progress. He is the one who shapes the child into becoming a useful and mature adult by giving her the values system that becomes hard coded into the child's DNA.

So, my first teacher turned out to be the worst.

I've always been envious of other people. They can have one complete family like these people in the photos. (taken from google)

I remember writing one composition on me being sad about this situation when I was in secondary 2 for my Higher Chinese. I cried really badly when I was writing the composition. The feeling was so bad I can still remember it now. 

Holding hands and walking down the road together as a family to me is just a dream. All these pent up feelings that I have...written all over here. I'm angry and sad. 

 I have a father but not a father.